Monthly Archives: July 2013

Language Barriers

In this blog, I use the term “have a child” to encompass all forms of having children – procreation, reproduction, adoption all included. I’ll start with some dictionary definitions to show you why.

procreate. produce young; reproduce
reproduce. produce offspring by a sexual or asexual process
adopt. legally take another’s child and bring it up as one’s own
family. a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household

We don’t use these words in a way that embraces all the different ways to form a family. The main problem is that we limit the phrase “having children” to refer to procreation. She’s having a baby. They had a boy. When someone adopts a child, we change our vocabulary. She’s adopting a baby. They adopted a boy. While a strict grammatical use of “having children” doesn’t really make sense in either context, the colloquial use does.

So why do we make a difference between “having a child” and “adopting a child”? I find the distinction unconvincing. To adopt a child is to “have a child” in the same way that to procreate is to “have a child.” Either way, you have a child. Once you get to the definition of “family,” it’s clear that there’s no difference between parents with “biokids” or “adoptikids.”

Our vocabulary is too narrow for even an elementary discussion of adoption let alone a robust one.

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Cambodia Resumes International Adoptions

Cambodia announced that after more than 4 years of suspending international adoptions, it will resume the system again in 2014.


Cambodia closed its international adoption system in 2009 due to concerns over corruption, but the US had already banned adoptions from Cambodia – in 2001. (If this is not an event that sticks out in your mind, the US halted adoptions in the midst of Angelina Jolie's adoption of her first son, temporarily keeping her from returning to the US with him after the adoption.)

Cambodia still has rampant issues it needs to deal with. Since 2005, the number of orphanages has increased by 75%. But this does not reflect the number of orphans, because 71% of the children living in orphanages still have parents.

With almost three quarters of children not actually being orphans, the process is ripe for corruption. In many countries, adoption “middle men” collect money from families who want to adopt, keep a percentage, then give the rest to the child's family, who thinks the child is just going away on a temporary basis to improve her education. Meanwhile a US couple is adopting a child who is not actually up for adoption.

Here is an example of how an nonprofit international adoption oversight organization would be remarkably beneficial. If the organization had a branch in Cambodia to coordinate and report compliance with Hague standards, local laws, and US regulations, we would create a level of accountability that would function to eliminate the types of problems that lead both the US and Cambodia to shut the international adoption system down in the first place.

Hopefully Cambodia's re-opened system will be a boon to international adoption. If it's not, unfortunately, we won't know until it's too late and the damage has been done. It's time to organize top adoption advocates, politicians, and thinkers to put a system that prevents corruption in place. I fear that having no such system means another shut down in the future.


Cambodia will resume int'l adoptions in next year (Daily Herald)

Cambodia's Booming New Industry: Orphanage Tourism (Forbes)

Horrible People are Exploiting Cambodia's Orphans (Vice)

Transnational Reproduction and its Discontents: The Politics of Intercountry Adoption in a Global Society (Journal of Global Change and Governance)


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Russia's Latest Adoption Law – More of the Folly We've Come to Expect


Children play in their bedroom at a Russian orphanage. (Photo: Reuters/Vladimir Konstantinov/Newscom)

In a move ostensibly seeking to take society two steps backwards, National Organization for Marriage president Brian Brown visited the State Duma in Russia (their legislature) to lobby for a bill banning the adoption of Russian children by same-sex couples and by single people living in countries that allow marriage equality.

In his speech to the Duma, Brown said that gay adoption should be banned because every child deserves to have “normal parents,” and urged international solidarity in fighting against gay rights: “I think that this visit, the invitation to visit Russia, will enable the development of this movement around the world,” he said. “We will band together, we will defend our children and their normal civil rights. Every child should have the right to have normal parents: a father and a mother.”

First of all, as if it needed proof, studies show that gay folks are no worse at parenting than straight folks.

Second of all, now that Russia has banned adoptions by Americans, there are three quarters of a million orphans and vulnerable children in Russia. Estimating based on an even age distribution then subtracting for infants, that’s about 250,000 children under 5 years old. Russia admits it only has the resources to provide for 110,000 OVC. These rest of the children end up in gangs, jail or committing suicide. Who can argue that the more children we bar from loving homes, the more children we are sentencing to lives of destitution – or worse, death.

Five days after Brown’s speech, the Duma passed the ban into law. I wish I could pretend that this law won’t have devastating consequences for Russia’s children, but the reality is that the more we legislate to “protect” children, the worse off they end up being.

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Why we have children

I have always wondered why we have children. Being curious about this topic is not easy. For one thing, I have been trying to answer this question for ten years, and have yet to receive a satisfactory answer. More often than not, I feel that asking why people have children is as fruitless as asking why the sky is blue. Most people aren’t able to answer why the sky is blue with technical specificity; the usual answer is either a fib, or a perfunctory “because it is.” The truth is that even when we are able to give the scientific explanation of the sky’s color, we don’t fully grasp it ourselves. This is how I feel in trying to answer the question, “why do people have children?” If there is an explanation, I have not found anyone who truly understands it.

For another thing, it’s not an easy question to pose. “Why did you have children?” is not just a complicated question to answer, it’s also rude. Now, that doesn’t stop me from asking, but my goal of being able to poll the world is stunted by the fact that I am limited in asking this question to people who respect and trust me. The message that I am exploring the enigmatic intersection of reproduction, evolution and morality must be clear.

The explanations I have gotten from those who support my exploration have been beautiful and varied. The family I lived with in Kenya told me that it was a matter of literal blood line. Passing blood from one member to another. Others have echoed the sentiment of George Dent that “we all must die, but through their children [people] can achieve a sort of immortality.”[1]

But I would be remiss if I did not report the most common answer, the one that intrigues me most of all: “I don’t know.” Consequently I have endeavored to formulate the answer myself.

The best explanation I have has three layers, and you can think of it like a clay figurine. The clay is biology, the paint is

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society, and the artist is our personal subjectivity. The clay represents earth, nature, something whose creation we have no better explanation for than why the sky is blue. The paint, an artificial construct, composed of multiple manmade ingredients combined to make a substance that adds beauty to the clay it covers.

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The artist is the subjectivity in each of us. It is the process of experiencing and interpreting the intersection of nature and society, then using analysis, vision, and creativity to develop unique end results.

When I started pondering the mystery of having children ten years ago, I began with biology – instinct. The obvious explanation, it seemed, was that having children is innate, primal, even inescapable. At the time, I honestly didn’t think there was even much more to it. But instinct proved to be a morass in itself.

My hypothesis that instinct is the driving force in having children was not substantiated by asking my peers why they chose to do so. Could I have hoped for anything different? How crude it would seem to answer the question “why did you have children?” with an academic, “instinct.”

Instead, I found the support I was looking for in literature. Authors have called the urge to have children a basic instinct,[2] a powerful need,[3] one of “the strongest drives known to mankind.”[4] The desire has been described as “so deep, so intense, that many people will do literally anything to fulfill it.”[5] The inability to fulfill that need may very well be the most disheartening experience someone will have in their lifetime.[6]

But it quickly became clear that instinct was not a satisfactory explanation for two reasons. First is instinct’s role. This is a means/ends problem. If instinct is the means driving us to have children, what are the ends? Sex? Birth? Child-rearing? Second is instinct’s scope. Why do some families have two children while others have twenty?

“Of all the human instincts

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we possess, sex shouts the loudest.”[7] Is the role of instinct to cause us to have sex? And having children just the by-product of what instinct causes us to do? Since many people who have sex never have children, and many gay couples adopt, to say that our instinct to have children is rooted in our instinct for sex can no longer be the case, even if was at one time. Instinct’s role must be more than just causing us to want to have sex.

The desire to have children can’t be explained as the desire to give birth; first of

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all, men want children too, and the number of caesarian sections are too high to support this theory. This leads me to conclude that the role instinct plays is simply to cause us to want to raise children. Refocusing the talk about desires and urges from procreation to parenting, I think Mary Ann McMillan put it exactly right when she said that “the desire to parent is one of the strongest drives known to mankind.”

But if instinct causes us to want children, why do some people have no children at all, while some have 20? Even if “it’s evolutionary desirable to impregnate as many females as possible,”[8] every male I know would counsel against this strategy. Contrary to assertions that “we are all designed to secure mates and produce children,” divorce rates and birth control speak for themselves.[9]

It is at this point that I want to cleave instinct from the “powerful desire” to have children.[10] As we evolve, certain instincts remain with us, but we learn that the social contract and thus survival in general requires their suppression. Attacking those who make us angry is not a viable option, nor is crying when a board room decision does not weigh in your favor. So we teach children not to hit, and discourage crying as a reaction to being upset. It is also clear that to the extent that having children is instinctual, it is not out of our control. Otherwise I would not be the youngest of three, but the middle of, perhaps, fifteen.

It stands to reason that without the “clay,” the universality of having children would not exist. Which brings us to the “paint.” Society, I would argue, is the biggest player in the desire to have children. As Elizabeth Bartholet observes, “we are all conditioned to equate personhood with procreation and procreation with parenting.”[11] There are more single mothers in the United States than in Korea because here, we have governmental programs to assist single mothers, and give them

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their own TV shows like Teen Mom or put them on magazine covers like Nadia Suleman. In Korea, while the government pays nominal support to single mothers, society rejects them entirely.[12] When society celebrates having children, people have children.

So instinct drives us to want children, society pushes us to have them, but it’s ultimately our inner compass that leads us to have one, twenty, or none at all. What is the thought process that leads someone to decide to have children? This is the ultimate mystery that causes people to answer, “I don’t know.”

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I suspect it’s because we think children will make us happy. Recently, there has been a lot of journalistic attention around this hypothesis.

Interestingly, the numbers show that people with children are less happy than those without.[13] “Otherwise identical people with one child instead of none are 5.6 percentage points less happy.”[14] After that, every additional child makes parents 1.3 percentage points less likely to be “very happy.”[15]

So what is the ultimate reason someone decides to have a child? There is no simple answer. I happen to think it’s the way society celebrates children and portrays having them as making you happy, even if the evidence speaks to the contrary. 75% of childless adults over 40 say they would have a child if they could do it over again.[16]

What’s your reason?

[1] “Families We Choose? Visions of a World

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Without Blood Ties,” Working Paper, by George Dent, p. 43 (2011)

[2] “Human Instinct,” by Robert Winston, p. 117 (2003)

[3] “Family Bonds: Adoption, Infertility and the New World of Child Production,” by Elizabeth Bartholet, p. 227 (1999)

[4] “International Adoption: A Step Towards a Uniform Process,” by Mary Ann McMillan, 5 Pace Int’l L. Rev. 137, p. 137 (2005)

[5] “The Baby Business,” by Debora Spar, p. xi (2006)

[6] “International Adoption: A Step Towards a Uniform Process,” by Mary Ann McMillan, 5 Pace Int’l L. Rev. 137, p. 137 (2005)

[7] “Human Instinct,” by Robert Winston, p. 115 (2003)

[8] “Human Instinct,” by Robert Winston, p. 134 (2003)

[9] “Human Instinct,” by Robert Winston, p. 116 (2003)

[10] “Transracial and International Adoption: Mothers, Hierarchy, Race and Feminist Legal Theory,” by Twila Perry, 10 Yale J.L. & Feminism 101, p. 107

[11] “Family Bonds: Adoption, Infertility and the New World of Child Production,” by Elizabeth Bartholet, p. 24 (1999)

[12] “South Korea and Its Children,” by Hollee McGinnis, New York Times (Nov. 27 2007)

[13] “The Breeders’ Cup,” by Bryan Caplan, The Wall Street Journal (Jun. 19 2010)

[14] “The Breeders’ Cup,” by Bryan Caplan, The Wall Street Journal (Jun. 19 2010)

[15] “The Breeders’ Cup,” by Bryan Caplan, The Wall Street Journal (Jun. 19 2010)

[16] “The Breeders’ Cup,” by Bryan Caplan, The Wall Street Journal (Jun. 19 2010)

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